Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Jeff Scares Me

Jeff is insanely good at scaring people. Or maybe I just get scared really easily. I hadn't thought of that until now. He is always hiding around a corner or crouching behind the furniture. He has been scaring me multiple times a day for the last 6 years. Sometimes he scares me without even hiding at all. I'll pretend I didn't get scared, but I'm a terrible liar, so he just has to look at my face to know he got me. Lately I've been trying to get him back. When we go up for bed at night, I'll pretend to go upstairs while he turns off all the lights, and then I'll hide on the bottoms step, waiting for him to come. The problem is, he takes too long. He'll stand there checking his phone, or he'll go in the kitchen and start brushing his teeth (does anyone else find that disgusting?) I'm not a patient person, and I also have ADD, so if he takes longer than about 30 seconds, I've gone to bed, or forgotten what I was doing, and moved onto something else. Sometimes it would have been a perfect scare, except Sadie comes around wagging her tail thinking she's such a good girl to have found me, and gives me away. Occasionally I'll get into position, Jeff will turn out all the lights, and I'll get scared. You probably know this by now, but I loathe our house. When all the lights are off, it's completely dark. Like, can't see your hand in front of your face, dark. We also have cockroaches. We have so many spiders that I don't even bother trying to kill them anymore. There are a lot of terrifying things that can happen while crouching on the stairs, in the dark. Anyway, here's to hoping I can finally get my crap together enough to scare my husband. Also, I really want to post pictures, but I can't log in to blogger on the computer for some reason, and it can't find my pictures on my phone. I'm sure there's an easy way to fix it, but I don't know what it is. Technology...*thumbs down*

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Shit Shave and Shower

I don't usually say swear words. Swearing makes me feel like one of those trashy girls I went to high school with in Payson. Like the ones I see on Facebook drinking beers and posing in their bikinis that they probably think they look really good in. Sometimes when I'm really pissed, like fuming mad, I'll say swear words in my head, and then I always feel guilty and have to repent later. Once in a while when Jeff and I get in a doozy of a fight, I'll say some swear words, and then later we always laugh about it, because I never really know how to put my swear words into a sentence, and they come out sounding ridiculous. The only time I can really get away with a good swear is at night when Jeff tells me he's going to shave and take a shower. For the next 15 minutes or so, I'll walk around the house saying "shit, shave, and shower." If you slurr all the words together, then you're not really swearing, after all.

I know what you really want is a picture of me in a bikini, holding a beer, but instead, I'll leave you with this picture of me doorbell ditching with my sister.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Sorry Sample Lady

Today we had to go grocery shopping twice. Jeff finally got me on board for not spending all our money, so now I have to shop wherever I can get the best deal, and sometimes that means going to multiple stores. Today we started out at Walmart. I hate Walmart. For obvious reasons. I won't say what they are, because I've seen how mad you guys can get when I say stupid things (you guys ruin everything). Anyway, my kids were awesome. Like Henry didn't even ride in the cart. They all just walked behind me like little ducklings, and everyone told me how adorable they were. Grace and Henry sat down while I checked out, and I gave them suckers I had saved from the bank (I'm getting seriously frugal). Then we packed everything in the car, and ran home to unload. They waited patiently, and Jones didn't even get annoyed. Then we pulled back out and drove over to H.E.B. for the stuff we didn't want to get at Walmart. First of all, why would you name a store H.E.B? What does that have to do with food or shopping? It's actually a pretty cool store. They have lots of samples, so really, that's mainly why we go there. My kids were still pretty happy when we got inside. I let Henry play games on my phone, because I knew he couldn't behave himself for much longer. Grace started getting annoying, and grabbing things off the shelf, and saying "me want this!" in her baby voice. She thinks it's hilarious. I don't even like her at all when I hear her doing it. We came up on some samples, and I handed out crackers to everybody. We got to the best sample spot of all. There's always the same lady there, and she makes entire plates of food, and everything is always really good. Every time we shop at H.E.B. we see this sample lady, and my kids always act really awful. Henry will yell at her not to look at him, Grace will tell her all about her next birthday party, coming up in ten months, she'll comment on how many kids I have with me that day, and then they usually start hitting each other, and screaming bloody murder, and I'll walk away as we both raise our eyebrows at each other like, "Yup, move it along with your crazy family". She likes Jones, but I think she hates the rest of us. Today as I was coming around to see what she had cooking. I was thinking to myself how impressed she was going to be with how everyone was behaving themselves. As I'm making cheesy jokes with the cheese sample man next to her, I hear her yelling, "Ma'am!" And look up to see that Henry's sitting in the middle of the cart smiling and throwing cherry tomatoes at her. I had already stepped on one or two. People were stopping to help pick them up, and the sample lady got her broom out. We got them all picked up, and then for a grand finale Henry dumped all the rest into his lap where they fell through the holes in the cart, and rolled everywhere again. Anyway, it's going to be a while before we go back to H.E.B. I need to gain some of my pride back.

The 4th of July is coming up. Let's all make a goal not to say "merica" this year. Not even once. It's gonna be a great year!

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Stop with the damn eyeshadow.

Hi. It's been a while. So this is a little awkward. Let's just pretend nothing happened in the last year, and get on with the eyeshadow. What???? No. I had a baby, you guys. I have 3 kids now. 3rd time's the charm. Jones is the best baby, and my favorite child. He's so adorable. Ya know what else we did 3 times? Moved! We're so good at moving. We are now Texan's. We don't say ya'll yet, but I've been practicing in the mirror, and I think I'm ready. Truth be told, this move has been a real trial. Our last move, into our Orem house, was supposed to be a permanent one. We invested a lot in it, and it was perfect for our family, but after 2 of the shortest months ever, we repacked everything, and came here. We've grown a lot, and hopefully learned what we were meant to learn through this trial. I've seen Heavenly Father blessing us all along the way, and I'm so grateful for the knowledge that my prayers are answered. I would love to post more about our experiences one day, but I better get on with this before somebody finds me hiding in my room with this bag of year old holiday candy.

Anyway, on to what I'm really here for. What's up with all the makeup tutorials lately? Like, here's how I do my everyday makeup, and then here's how I do my going out makeup, and here's my, "natural look" makeup. What made people decide that anybody cares how they do their makeup? Why DO I care? I can watch these things for hours. And I'm always so pissed afterwards. "Watch how I do my easy everyday makeup!" 25 steps later, I'm pretty sure you can't call it easy anymore. Easy means I colored on some eyebrows, and put on some mascara. If I'm going out, I'll do my fancy makeup and use eyeliner. And you know what, I'm going to go ahead and say it looks good. People need to quit acting like contouring every part of your face, with $5,000 worth of makeup is "easy" or "natural". You're making the rest of us normal people look bad. I say we all stop wearing makeup altogether. It would save a lot of time and money, and we'd all just be equally ugly. That's what I call easy.

Now here's some pictures of my cute family, because nobody likes reading blogs without pictures.

Jeff's sweet dad passed away on Mother's Day, and we got to fly home for a week to be with family, and attend the funeral. Grace graduated from preschool and perfected her swimming already this summer. And yes...that is a book full of pictures of naked people that Henry is looking at.